nope, nothing to do with our mutual friend... ;) i wonder whether she reads the crap i post here anyways...
hmmm
it's 12.30 pm and it's time for breakfast.
i'm wondering about perfume. who wears it? women, without a doubt. men?
is perfume really as sexy as they say? or has it been the image presented to us by those wonderful capitalist conglomerates known as fashion houses and perfume manufacturers, coupled together with the subliminal messaging crafted by those people in the advertising industry... :D
well, perfume smells nice... sometimes anyways.
is it a way for ppl to communicate their taste? what you choose to smell of will be able to promote yourself to unsuspecting strangers.
but then again, it's very obvious when people wear perfume. nobody has body odour like THAT.... so what does THAT say?
if you wear too much or if you get a whiff of it at a place like a mamak stall... i'll be thinking
hmm, that smells nice... or
what kind of person wears perfume to a mamak stall?...or
what's that stench...
so how now brown cow?
this all began of course when i started debating to myself whether i should start using cologne or men's scents. should i? but i havn't a clue what to choose... hmmm
up till now, my excuse not to use it has been the cost, the pressure of smelling correct, and the risk of being misconstrued (definitely not spelt correctly), which thankfully is not a problem anymore. *wink*wink*nudge*nudge* 8D
it might even help speed things along, if you get my whiff, i mean, drift.
ahem...pun intended 8D
but for now i shall to concern myself to NOT smelling well, like cat's piss(unless of course some of you out there ACTUALLY find that scent appealing ;) you never know after all). and just muddle along smelling like whatever personal products are part of my daily routine.
which is a whole other can of worms if you think bout it...
which makes me ask...do ppl wear perfume to mask the fact they use too much of another product which probably has a tell tale scent..? hahaha cos of i have heard parisians used to use perfume ages ago to mask the fact that nobody took baths :D
so, perfume is a mask, like it or not. it's a disguise. but who says all disguises are bad? unless of course the person hasn't a real clue what to and who to be when their mask is taken away...
sorry guys, this is quite a long post that originally went up two nights ago. when i first posted it, i lost my nerve and took it down after about half an hour. more than 48 hours later, and reading it again.. i realized that my feelings remain mostly unchanged. so here it is again, an online testament of what can happen when someone like me doesn't get out enough ;)
no, that was just a joke. :D
i am still slightly confused about my feelings. i really do not know which path will be the best to take. should i take the comfortable road and just flow but be swept by the current, not being able to breath or see below the waves? or should i take control and ride the currents instead of sinking in em? i keep wanting to be honest about my feelings, but i don't know how honest i am about them to myself.
damn, damn, damn, damn!
i've grown accustomed to this pace.
all this running around sometimes shows the fear of i have of setting things down. i never seem to be able to keep to them as well as i would have liked. i get the feeling i am going in circles rather than boldly striding forwards. so far i seem to be deviating from decisions i have made, and the little growing pile of pebbles is starting to rumble like a mountain.
damn, this blog is starting to sound so bleak and gloomy. i'm actually happy in a sense. some things in my life seem to be clear. but then i still get lonely pangs. i am finally out of the shell and i am craving for the thing which i never thought i would desire. a special someone.
it's so weird, a month ago i would have thought it impossible, but now since there is some sort of glimmer there... i feel i should go for it. a thought just struck me. could it be because the first person i really liked, came in a situation where it would not work out... am i now hungering for another relationship to appease the feelings it stirred?
damn i am so screwed up. and i am posting it online for the whole world to see nonetheless.
why do i want to post it? it's probably a section of me that's slightly desperate. that and i am looking for words of comfort, words of criticism, words of life out there in the wilderness. how little i trust myself that i still need so much reassurance to have peace of mind.
i am semi calm, but the seed of doubt grows when i shut all these thoughts in my own head. and i do not wish to be an emotional burden on anyone, and blogging this seems to be the most take it or leave it option to me at the moment. if you care... if you don't... it's up to you...
if i talked to someone personally, they would feel obligated and then it would be unfair to them to inflict my petty little problems on them...
i'm rambling and babbling.
The sun comes up - I think about you.
The coffee cup - I think about you.
I want you so, it's like I'm losing my mind.
The morning ends - I think about you.
I talk to friends, I think about you.
And do they know it's like I'm losing my mind?
All afternoon, doing every little chore
The thought of you stays bright.
Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor
Not going left, not going right.
I dim the lights and think about you.
Spend sleepless nights to think about you.
You said you loved me
Or were you just being kind?
Or am I losing my mind?
stephen sondheim
here i am, yet another lonely exhibitionist whiner just complaining. i'm looking for release dammit, and i hate the way it's making me look when i do get the other side of the coin of feeling relief at letting my thoughts explode unto the collective information bank of the net. and i hope this statement of fact will spur me to take more affirmative action to solve these doubts and problems.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"
Eden Ahbez
i restrain myself in fear of tipping the boat. but i am shouting here anyway, because the chance for this to change anything is so much lower.
hmmmm.... i have decided not to delete the last whole rant. after a breather, i feel so much more calm. it's all too soon, i assume and worry too much, and i should just trust the magic medicine:
TIME
argh this must be the longest post here so far...oh well, i wonder how many people will actually read the whole thing...
sometimes i keep wondering about who i really am to other people. do i really act like myself?
it seems to me that too often i become a mirror. i consider my actions based on the company i keep, i match their ideas, i mimic their vocabulary and scope. but it is definitely a skewed reflection eh? a bit of "me" should be filtering thru... rite?
but, it worries me that i don't have a solid ME to stand on it's own. i always seem to prefer leaning the outlook of others to be. it's probably that deep down... i'm not a very interesting person?(sorry, one of my pet worries, it weighs on my mind)
people are built based on their experiences, so i'm still a work in progress... i hope.
i wonder, i assume, i just don't bloody know.
but enough of this bleakness eh? life is good to me, in a way. at least it's a path, not a dead end.
and what the hell is a grisette?
this is an unabashed PLUG
The Merry Widow a good friend of mine is invovlved in the production, for those with means, please try to catch it, it's a great show :D
oh, what is a grisette, after doing a google~
mind you, this is webster's 1913 dictionary it seems,
Gri`sette´ n. 1. A French girl or young married woman of the lower class; more frequently, a young working woman who is fond of gallantry.
Gal´lant`ry
n. 1. Splendor of appearance; ostentatious finery.
Guess the gallantry of our church by this . . . when the desk whereon the priest read was inlaid with plates of silver.
- Fuller.
2. Bravery; intrepidity; as, the troops behaved with great gallantry. 3. Civility or polite attention to ladies; in a bad sense, attention or courtesy designed to win criminal favors from a female; freedom of principle or practice with respect to female virtue; intrigue.
4. Gallant persons, collectively.
Helenus, Antenor, and all the gallantry of Troy.
- Shak
All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible.
this was realized when i finally got motivated enough to try jogging. i was supposedly attempting to jog for 30 minutes, but gave in after about 10. it may have been factors like haze and traffic (mmmmm the lovely fresh air of subang jaya at 6.45pm.) but i think i just need to work on it :D
i figured, hey! it's the 1st time i've jogged in about 2 years. i'lll need to take it a little slow or risk ending up as roadkill.
happily tho, now with the facility of my beloved mp3 player, jogging now won't be as much of a humdrum and torturous experience.
so next in my list of goals is to last at least 15-20 minutes. that and clean my room. and finish off my holiday assignments. and have have a bloody good time in spite of it all...
u know what? i've been stressing and been unnnecessarily worried over the past days because of uncertainty.
but today, i made a decision.
i'm gonna enjoy life while it lasts!
no day but today right? i can't believe it took me so long to get out of the rut of fear, anxiety and confusion.
it always feels good after i make a clear decision. bad or not.
lalala, i have just realized how much i love to dance, tho the stage of being too self concious bout it is far from over ;)
incidentally, i recently participated in my colleges talent quest thingie with jin li and aly to do a dance routine. thanks to dat, i have been officially dubbed the dancing sotong onigiri by furuba dys. XD
ureshii desu ne? ore wa oiishi desuka? *Muakakakakaka*
i really hope my other friends who participated get thru for talent quest.
*waves a flag for nana-senpai and jared*
Spreading the love
Ebichu the house keeping hamster incidentally, for those who already follow this series, episode 17 and 18 has just benn subbed by seichi, get it while it's mildly warm ;)
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end . . .
it's so hot that ice smoothies should be declared a survival necessity.
i feel so stupid sometimes, because i end up doing things i should know better about. but then again i have no regrets, because what's the point of regretting?
it's been happening when talking to someone, i end up sayin something i shouldn't have, but then again when i look at it again, prolly me sayin it at the time was a reflection of my thoughts right? so i should be glad that i got it out, but sometimes i wonder whether some of those opinions and conclusions were valid, because they were not really well thought out.
and thinking stuff out can give you two contrasting results. it's either the one that is true and good, or the one that is in denial and foolish.
being true to the moment however, forces you to be more honest than you are comfortable with. unless, the level of denial is so strong that your tongue has a manual override for things not to be said.
and that's the mobius ring of the day ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to "Unrequited Love: Agony and Rapture", your guide to suffering through an intense unrequited crush, whether it is still a secret from your Adored One, or already revealed. This largely-sarcastic catharsis was inspired by my own many wanderings through the halls of misery (the 2001 installment in particular) and by "I Just Want To Be Friends", Joe "Logon" Loong's classic WWW tribute to supposedly-platonic friendships.
mind you i havn't had the time and energy to go thru the whole site, but it's definitely on my "to-do" list
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
("When cryptography is outlawed
only outlaws will have privacy")
People are animals.
The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
Life is antagonistic to the living.
The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
how unusual, it's 10.20pm but i feel slightly drowsy.
wow. it's been a whirlwind of a week and i have emerged from it changed but still the same.
i have finally been honest to my parents about myself, and have been happily shocked.
it just goes to show how stupid i have been in underestimating my parents and the way they handled it really made me wonder why i dun tell them more.
but now that they know, i dun feel so much like a split personality anymore, and i wanna actively pursue living instead of hiding.
a special hug and thanks too all my friends who have stayed and put up with me thru all of my ups and down on this journey. and also a wonderful joy i have felt on gaining new and wonderful people as friends when i willingly opened up to them, and was not turned away.
alas however,
obligations await as surmised by this song from the musical finian's rainbow
Necessity, Necessity,
That most unnecessary thing, Necessity.
What throws a monkey wrench in
A fella's good intention?
That nasty old invention - Necessity.
My feet wanna dance in the sun,
My head wants to rest in the shade,
The Lord says "Go out and have fun,"
But the landlord says "Your rent ain't paid!"
Necessity, it's plain to see
What a lovely old world this silly old world could be,
But man it's all in a mess, 'cause of Necessity.
for all my friends out there who sometimes have doubts
