sorry guys, this is quite a long post that originally went up two nights ago. when i first posted it, i lost my nerve and took it down after about half an hour. more than 48 hours later, and reading it again.. i realized that my feelings remain mostly unchanged. so here it is again, an online testament of what can happen when someone like me doesn't get out enough ;)
no, that was just a joke. :D
i am still slightly confused about my feelings. i really do not know which path will be the best to take. should i take the comfortable road and just flow but be swept by the current, not being able to breath or see below the waves? or should i take control and ride the currents instead of sinking in em? i keep wanting to be honest about my feelings, but i don't know how honest i am about them to myself.
damn, damn, damn, damn!
i've grown accustomed to this pace.
all this running around sometimes shows the fear of i have of setting things down. i never seem to be able to keep to them as well as i would have liked. i get the feeling i am going in circles rather than boldly striding forwards. so far i seem to be deviating from decisions i have made, and the little growing pile of pebbles is starting to rumble like a mountain.
damn, this blog is starting to sound so bleak and gloomy. i'm actually happy in a sense. some things in my life seem to be clear. but then i still get lonely pangs. i am finally out of the shell and i am craving for the thing which i never thought i would desire. a special someone.
it's so weird, a month ago i would have thought it impossible, but now since there is some sort of glimmer there... i feel i should go for it. a thought just struck me. could it be because the first person i really liked, came in a situation where it would not work out... am i now hungering for another relationship to appease the feelings it stirred?
damn i am so screwed up. and i am posting it online for the whole world to see nonetheless.
why do i want to post it? it's probably a section of me that's slightly desperate. that and i am looking for words of comfort, words of criticism, words of life out there in the wilderness. how little i trust myself that i still need so much reassurance to have peace of mind.
i am semi calm, but the seed of doubt grows when i shut all these thoughts in my own head. and i do not wish to be an emotional burden on anyone, and blogging this seems to be the most take it or leave it option to me at the moment. if you care... if you don't... it's up to you...
if i talked to someone personally, they would feel obligated and then it would be unfair to them to inflict my petty little problems on them...
i'm rambling and babbling.
The sun comes up - I think about you.
The coffee cup - I think about you.
I want you so, it's like I'm losing my mind.
The morning ends - I think about you.
I talk to friends, I think about you.
And do they know it's like I'm losing my mind?
All afternoon, doing every little chore
The thought of you stays bright.
Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor
Not going left, not going right.
I dim the lights and think about you.
Spend sleepless nights to think about you.
You said you loved me
Or were you just being kind?
Or am I losing my mind?
stephen sondheim
here i am, yet another lonely exhibitionist whiner just complaining. i'm looking for release dammit, and i hate the way it's making me look when i do get the other side of the coin of feeling relief at letting my thoughts explode unto the collective information bank of the net. and i hope this statement of fact will spur me to take more affirmative action to solve these doubts and problems.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"
Eden Ahbez
i restrain myself in fear of tipping the boat. but i am shouting here anyway, because the chance for this to change anything is so much lower.
hmmmm.... i have decided not to delete the last whole rant. after a breather, i feel so much more calm. it's all too soon, i assume and worry too much, and i should just trust the magic medicine:
TIME
argh this must be the longest post here so far...oh well, i wonder how many people will actually read the whole thing...
