searching around, it's tiring being myself all the time. sometimes i like to retreat to someplace that's not me, so i can sorta run on auto pilot.
questions questions questions
everyday. who am i? what am i doing?
what is right? what is wrong?
"there's a fine fine line.-"
i wonder sometimes am i wasting my time and my feelings... it's so draining, wondering everyday whether my feelings will ever be returned.
should i just come out with it all? it's easier in some ways. but it's hard as hell in a whole lot of others. i don't want to drag anyone else by virtue of association. what is the point of blogging eh?
i think i should just keep in the closet.
(that was either the most obscure way of phrasing that, or the most obvious, take your pick. anyways, if you've already figured it out, good for you. feel free to leave whatever questions or presumptions by clicking the comment button below, i'm curious what you have concluded)
it's just an online journal, so these thoughts can be shared, making the world a little more smaller...
i feel like crying again.
i hate blaming external factors like not hanging out with friends and stuff like that not occupying me and making these thougths arise again. but if that's the case, is it a story of just postphoning the inevitable?
ppl say be yourself. i'm being myself, but part of myself wants to change. what am i now then?
if i deem something as a fault, wouldn't i wanna work on it? would a wholehearted acceptance of one's faults an acceptance, or just complacency?
"some things i cannot change, but till i try i'll never know. "
i keep telling myself, people keep telling me, i'm paranoid, i think too much... but it's my way of dealing with the fear of the unknown. by running things thru my head, it sorta helps take the edge off unpleasant surprises? if i'm right on the money, which is rare...
but it feels better than doing nothing at all, well, to me anyways..
"everything except death and your taxes is only...for now. "
so i go to sleep and wonder why i'm doing this to myself or why this is happening, i don't like what my mind or my heart (i can't tell) is telling me the solution to all this.
this looks familiar. maybe i DO have emotional cycles that happen like clockwork...
i feel so tired. emotionally, physically and mentally. i just don't wanna wake up anymore. but i do anyways, cos there this obstinate part of me that's a cock-eyed optimist in the face of all the depression i seem to heaping on myself.
or perhaps since it's all written down, it's being released? ie: i should be the advocate of therapeutic blogging heheh.
